The abuse continues

I haven’t written a domestic violence blog in a long time, but despite the fact that our divorce papers have been signed, the abuse has renewed. This time in the form of manipulating my daughter. He knows that I would do anything for her if I could. She’s 14 now, and not the happiest camper about moving to Florida, away from her friends in East Texas. And despite the fact that he didn’t even call her for her birthday this year, he has promised her that if she came to live with him, he could give her what I can’t (at the moment), a place back in Longview. Even though he doesn’t work there, and can’t sign a lease due to his drug felony.

There’s a clause written on our custody issue that says the three of us, my ex, my daughter, and I, can sign a paper at some point in the future agreeing to dismiss supervised visitations and submit it to the court, which he agreed to when he signed the divorce papers. I have not seen any change in his dangerous behavior, and I am not willing to sign anything of the sort at this time. However, he took it upon himself to misread the papers, saying that the “parties” referred to in that paragraph were him, my daughter, and his parents who are listed as the supervising parties. (For the record, he did not have a lawyer at our court date.) I still have yet to see this paper. So even though the county has an “agreement” on file, according to my lawyer, it wouldn’t hold up since I never signed it.

And that’s where it started again. He told my daughter to tell me that if I didn’t open a “civilized” line of communication with him about removing the supervision, he would report me to CPS for child abuse. He sent a text to me himself saying he knows I hit my daughter and I don’t want the consequences for not cooperating with him. He had his SIL call and leave a message warning me that Florida will take a child first and ask questions later, and that I didn’t want to make him mad like this. I have only responded to Amy, who I continue to talk to and text, even though she is staying with her grandparents right now. My response to her was, it can’t be civilized if it begins with a threat.

So last Thursday, I spent an hour talking with a CPS investigator, crying through half of the discussion. It was incredibly painful to hear the allegations, and to have to rehash the reasons for our divorce and the supervision in the first place. I was accused of slapping my children around on a regular basis, as this is my preferred method of discipline, and I do it also when I’m stressed, which is often. I was accused of medical neglect, and of pulling my children out of school to pretend to homeschool them, so that I could move to Florida to be with a man I met online.

When the investigator left, she suggested that I probably should get go back to counseling. The thing is, I was ok for a long time. He was leaving me alone. I’ve just become his target again, perhaps because he broke up with his girlfriend, or perhaps because he’s honed in on my weakness again, that I’m not working and feel like I’m not providing enough for my children.

I’ll wrap this up with another link, one that I wanted to share with my daughter, especially the part on consistency. She wants to believe that he’s changed, that he can be the father everyone else would like him to be. And it’s very hard to break her heart and to try to convince her why he’s acting the way he is now.

From The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics

“…in the context of domestic violence, the following factors should be taken into account, based on our experience: a) Batterers who disappear from their children’s lives tend to be high in selfishness and self-centeredness, with resultant increased risk to damage mother-child relationships (as in the case example that opened this chapter); b) Batterers who are inconsistent parents tend to remain so, and thus the children may grow close to him only to lose him again, setting back their healing process; and, c) Granting extended visitation privileges to a batterer following a disappearance can reinforce his belief that he will not be held to a reasonable standard of parental responsibility. “

Peace

B stands for Bronco, BMW, blog

Some of you have been asking if there’s been any change in my legal situation lately. To put it short – no. To put it long, the man I’ve been separated from for 5 years now is still avoiding being served. And this continues to prevent me from moving back to Florida, “home,” as a friend put it, and back to the man I love.

Some of you know my love story, but there are still times I want to shout it from the rooftops how happy I am that my love came looking for me twenty years after we broke up the first time. My parents tried their hardest to keep him from me, and even though I won’t say that’s why we broke up, it certainly didn’t provide any incentive for us to try to stay together. Besides, I know that we wouldn’t be together today if we would have stayed together then. I feel now I can balance my grown-up responsibilities with the nearly overwhelming urge to spend every moment in his arms.

Today, there is someone else who seems to feel as entitled to run my life as they did, keeping us apart. When this person seems to lack the most control over his own life, he reaches out to try to control mine, like the dog he kicks when he’s had a bad day. And although I removed myself from his physical grasp five years ago, because we conceived a child together, I’m still legally tethered to him. He is the only reason I am not back in Florida this very moment.

I have gotten very depressed at the situation recently, but pulled myself back up. I’ve also contemplated a few bizarre schemes to try to move to Florida with my children before I actually make it to court one of these days. But I’m ok. He can keep me from him for now, but I won’t let the sadness my ex is trying to create overshadow the joy I get thinking of holding my lover’s hand, which seems to light up the world around me. The smile I get just hearing his voice, his laugh.

And baby, just know that you are so worth the wait.

What’s going on with Batterers

From an article on Batterers Intervention, on the West Virginia Coalition Against Domestic Violence website:

What’s Going On With Batterers?
It is important to know and point out to batterers that most men do not abuse their partners and their children. Dr. David Adams, a batterer’s counselor in Boston for over twenty years, estimates that about eighty percent of batterers grew up in a home in which they watched their father beat their mother. Therefore, they likely have the skewed notion that most, if not all, men use violence to control their families. A former abuser, now batterer’s intervention program director Hamish Sinclair likes to tell the men in his groups, “Real men do not abuse their partners and children.” Dr. David Adams reports that while there exists a range of behaviors among batterers, most share similar beliefs and traits. The following represents some of those common characteristics Dr. Adams has found in two decades of running batterers’ intervention programs.

• Public vs. Private Behavior: Many batterers work hard to create the public image of being the concerned, decent “family man.” Often nobody else has seen the violent, controlling side of him, resulting in victims being accused of exaggerating or lying about the abuse.
• Abusing Power, Control and Manipulation: The batterer’s goal is to achieve power and control over his victim. Domestic violence is not simply random, isolated acts of violence. Rather, Dr. Adams tells us, it is “a planned pattern of coercive control that includes verbal abuse, threats, psychological manipulation, sexual coercion, and control over economic resources.” The batterer’s incessant criticism and allegations of infidelity ravage the victim’s self-esteem, keeping her on the defensive and isolated from her family, friends and co-workers. Part of the manipulation is to keep changing the list of rules and demands the victim must meet to avoid abuse.
• Projecting Blame: One of the most widespread forms of batterer manipulation is to blame the victim for his abuse. Similar to alcoholics, the batterer portrays himself as the victim, arguing that she “drove me to it,” “pushes my buttons,” or “provoked me.” Frequently, outsiders are then deceived into focusing on the victim’s actions. This does the batterer no favor; for in failing to hold him accountable, he has no means to analyze options to the violence.
• Claiming Loss of Control: For some time mental health professionals believed that most batterers suffered from poor impulse control. Thus, when batterers said, “Well, I just lost it!,” most of us believed them. Dr. David Adams and other reputable batterer experts now report that less than five to ten percent of batterers have poor impulse control or an anger problem; rather it is, as mentioned above, a planned pattern of coercive control. Most men who batter their partners and children do not exhibit “generalized violence.” They do not assault the police officer who gives them a speeding ticket or their boss who yells at them for being late to work. Clearly, many batterers believe there will not be sanctions for partner violence. For those batterers who do exhibit generalized violence, extra caution should be taken, as they tend to be more dangerous to their families and law enforcement officers.
• Claiming a Problem with Anger: Similar to the excuse of poor impulse control, many abusers allege difficulty controlling their anger. However, Dr. David Adams asserts that only a small minority of batterers, he estimates five to seven percent, cannot control their anger. We have learned this from listening to batterers as they explain their abuse. For example, one batterer said that he puts the children in the next room before assaulting his wife, to prevent them from witnessing the abuse. Another abuser reported taking off all his rings “so I wouldn’t hurt her too bad.” Dr. Adams tells us that such explanations are typical of abusers. This planned behavior constitutes pre-meditation in West Virginia and every other state, and obviously does not indicate someone whose anger is uncontrollable.
• Attributing to Substance Abuse: Dr. Murray Strauss, in his article “Alcohol Abuse and Family Violence,” reports that in spite of the high correlation between domestic violence and alcohol/ drug abuse, experts agree that such substances do not cause the violence. Doctors Strauss and Adams say that the alcohol or drugs may function as disinhibitors and a convenient excuse, but batterers who abuse substances have two separate problems for which they should receive treatment, education and be held accountable.
• Minimizing and Denying the Abuse: Batterers’ education specialists report that few batterers, even the most brutal, consider themselves as such, and will, invariably, under-report or deny their abuse. Researchers Scinovacz, Browning and Dutton found that even when directly questioned by law enforcement, judges or therapists, most batterers simply lied about the abuse, with some attempting to rationalize it. Dr. David Adams reports that, when prodded, the majority of batterers will minimize their actions with comments such as “I only gave her a little shove,” when, in fact, he pushed the victim down a flight of stairs. Batterers typically consider even serious abuse (punching, choking, beating up) as self-defense, when it is clearly retaliation for the victim’s failure to do what the batterer wanted. Often, even severe batterers express shock when arrested, for it has not registered that their violence constitutes a crime.
• Failure to Take Responsibility for Own Actions: Most batterers blame outside forces for their violent behavior; the victim’s “mouthiness” for example, alcohol or a bad day at work.
• External Motivation: Dr. David Adams and other experts have found that most batterers are externally motivated. That is, they care very much what others, particularly men, think of them. When men in our communities are willing to stand up and say, “Real men don’t beat their partners and their children,” abusers can get the message that their behavior is closer to that of an immature bully and coward.

Survivor

If you were wondering, that’s what the top of the blog says this month, in honor of National Domestic Violence Awareness month. 

I am not ashamed.  He will not make me hide the truth.

I have been away from him for nearly five years now, and thanks to the distance, the incidences of panic on my part and attempted control on his are fewer, though some are almost as painful as the physical injuries. 

I am worthy of love.  That’s been a hard one, and there are days that I still don’t feel it like a “normal” woman.  There are shades of paranoia in my relationship now that I can only attribute to the years of exposure to my abuser’s manipulations.

My sweetheart flew from Florida to see me last week.  I can’t remember a time I’ve been so happy.  My children like him, and the world was so much more colorful holding his hand.  And Saturday night, we did something to honor the trip.  He had two new amazing tattoos done, and I had one very special one.  I knew I wanted something to mark this milestone in my life, how far I’ve come from what I was, and how happy I am to see a possible future without fear.  I decided on an awareness ribbon, but not really. 

Instead of a typical ribbon, I wanted something girly.  I wanted pretty.  So on my right hip, where I have continual pain as a result of both RA and violence, I have a new bow instead.  Think of the ribbon, and then tie up the loose ends.  That’s where I am.

Peace, pav

Understanding the Batterer in Visitation and Custody Disputes

Understanding the Batterer in Visitation & Custody Disputes

This link has taken me hours to get through.  I’ll start to read and something will hit to close, so I’ll end up going back to something else.  There are a couple quotes I wanted to specifically share here, but I would like to encourage my readers to please visit the link.  (Bolding is editorial – pav)

A significant proportion of batterers required to attend counseling because of a criminal conviction have been violent only one to five times in the history of their relationship, even by the victim’s account. Nonetheless, the victims in these cases report that the violence has had serious effects on them and on their children, and that the accompanying pattern of controlling and disrespectful behaviors are serving to deny the rights of family members and are causing trauma.

 Because of the distorted perceptions that the abuser has of rights and responsibilities in relationships, he considers himself to be the victim. Acts of self-defense on the part of the battered woman or the children, or efforts they make to stand up for their rights, he defines as aggression against him.

 

 

Those abusers who accept the end of the relationship can still be dangerous to their victims and children, because of their determination to maintain control over their children and to punish their victims for perceived transgressions.

 

After a break-up, the abuser sometimes becomes quickly involved with a new partner whom he treats relatively well. Abusers are not out of control, and therefore can be on “good” behavior for extended periods of time – even a year or two – if they consider it in their best interest to do so. The new partner may insist, based on her experience with him, that the man is wonderful to her, and that any problems reported from the previous relationship must have been fabricated, or must result from bad relationship dynamics for which the two parents are mutually responsible. The abuser can thus use his new partner to create the impression that he is not a risk.

 

He will often admit to some milder acts of violence, such as shoving or throwing things, in order to increase his own credibility and create the impression that the victim is exaggerating. He may discuss errors he has made in the past and emphasize the efforts he is making to change, in order to make his partner seem vindictive and unwilling to let go of the past.

 

He commonly accuses her of having mental health problems, and may state that her family and friends agree with him. (I got this only a few weeks ago, in an email my ex sent to my current boyfriend.  Quoted: “Nobody that meets me hates me and my whole family is dying for a shot to testify about Toni. She wants me to take drug tests and stuff? How about she takes some pysch evals? I mean really. She has many people on this side who will testify to behavior that calls into question her stability.” ) The two most common negative characterizations he will use are that she is hysterical and that she is promiscuous. The abuser tends to be comfortable lying, having years of practice, and so can sound believable when making baseless statements.

 

Mediators and GAL’s tend to have a bias in favor of communication, believing that the more the two parents speak to each other, the better things will go for the children. In domestic violence cases the truth is often the opposite, as the abuser uses communication to intimidate or psychologically abuse, and to keep pressuring the victim for a reunion. Victims who refuse to have any contact with their abusers may be doing the best thing both for themselves and for their children, but the evaluator may then characterize her as being the one who won’t let go of the past or who can’t focus on what is good for the children. This superficial analysis works to the batterers advantage.

 

Where persuasive evidence of a history of domestic abuse is present, risk to the children from unsupervised visitation can be best assessed by examining:

• the abuser’s history of directly abusive or irresponsible behavior towards the children
• his level of psychological cruelty towards the victim
• his level of willingness to hurt the children as a deliberate or incidental aspect of hurting the mother (such as throwing things at her with the children nearby, being mean or deliberately risk-taking to the children when angry at her, failing to pay child support that he has resources for)
• his level of manipulativeness towards family members
• his level of selfishness and self-centeredness towards family members, including expectations that the children should meet his needs
• whether he has been violent or physically frightening in front of the children
• whether he has been verbally degrading to his partner in front of the children
• the severity or frequency of his physical violence and threats, including threats to hurt himself
• his history of sexual assaults against the mother, which are linked to increased risk of sexual abuse of the children and increased physical danger
• his history of boundary violations towards the children
• his substance abuse history
• the level of coercive control he exercises over his partner and children
• his level of entitlement (attitude that his violence was justified, expectation that his needs should always be catered to, seeing the children as personal possessions)
• the extent of his past under-involvement with the children (e.g. failing to know basic information such as the child’s birth date, names of pediatricians or school teachers, or basic routines of the children’s daily care)
• his level of refusal to accept the end of the relationship
• his level of refusal to accept mother’s new partner being in the children’s lives
• his level of refusal to accept responsibility for past abusive actions (including continued insistence that relationship was more or less equally and mutually destructive, continued insistence that his violence was provoked, continued minimization)
• his level of escalation
• his level of inability to put the children’s needs ahead of his own and to leave them out of conflicts with his partner
• the ages and genders of the children (younger children may be more vulnerable to physical or psychological abuse, female children are at somewhat higher risk for sexual abuse)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recognizing Common Batterers Behaviors In Supervised Visitation Settings

It sometimes feels like a losing battle convincing members of my ex’s family that what I experienced was/is real. When the judge asked me four and a half years ago if I thought there was a family member suitable to supervise his visitations with my daughter, I named his brother in Houston. At the time, my ex was listed as living with them, and my ILs were working out of the country. The stipulation in the orders says either his brother or a party I deem fit supervise his visitations at all times.  I was and still am willing to drive my children four hours away for a safe visit, but as I’ve stated in other entries, my ex hasn’t yet requested a visit.  And when his parents returned to the states, I believe I only told them no one time for a visit, and that was because we already had company in the house that weekend.  They will ask for the kids, and occasionally my ex will drop by while they are there. 

As we seem to get closer to actually going to court to get divorced, I realize it’s inevitable that visitation and support issues will be examined. It looks like he’s aware of that fact himself, because I recently started receiving a child support payment from him more months than not. And now that my daughter is a teenager, more aware of a dangerous situation, I’m more comfortable on her ability to call him out on his behavior as she’s done a few times recently, though not with good results.

What’s interesting is that I’ve haven’t met another woman in quite my situation before. Those I’ve met that have experience domestic abuse in the past seem to be far enough away from it and their abuser now that they can in fact tell me that it does get better. But I haven’t actually met anyone who’s abuser is still trying to reach out and control them. So I went a’searching to try to find others’ stories about supervised visitation, coming up with this gem I thought I would share.  I’ve seen and heard many of these examples for myself in dealing with my ex, up to the point that even now, in one of his latest emails and blog entries, he’s saying he is planning on moving to a tiny town a few miles from me to volunteer for their fire department,  despite the fact that he’s currently living in a nice house of his parents in Fort Worth and making decent money in the oil fields.  His reasoning being he would be closer to his daughter, even though he would still have to drive back that way to his parents home to actually see her. Just another example of his attempt to manipulate me, this time as stalking.

From The Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse:

While the assumption has been that the level of violence will be reduced or eliminated if supervised visitation is ordered in domestic violence cases, practitioners report that batterers exhibit similar behaviorial patterns while utilizing supervised visitation services.

Staff of the Clearinghouse on Supervised Visitation collected examples of behaviors commonly displayed by alleged batterers who were referred to supervised visitation programs in Florida in 2001. As the examples in the following table indicate, the same behaviors of batterers described in the literature, are observed in supervised visitation programs.

Table 1. Common Behaviors of Batterers Seen at Supervised Visitation Programs

Behavior	Manifestation at Supervised Visitation Program
Denial of Abuse/ Minimizations	Children may ask parent, “why did you hit mommy?” Visiting parent may deny hitting child’s mother, say it was accident or minimize his action. Or he may say it’s the fault of mother he has to see child at visitation program. One program reports a 12 year old asked his father why he chased his mother with a knife. Father denied doing it saying the mother told him to say that. This occurred despite witnesses to the knife incident.
Blaming partner	Frequently supervised visitation staff report that a batterer will tell staff “this is all my wife’s fault,” “she’s the one who brought this on.”
Control/ Manipulation	Often batterers will question, or challenge program rules or suggest exceptions to rules should be made of them. This is seen in examples of refusing to arrive or depart per requirements, bringing unauthorized individuals to visits, bringing gifts or food to visits which may be disallowed, attempting to take videos or photographs. Tearing up rules or throwing intake forms across room.
Attacking Parenting Skills	Involving staff in apparent false allegations of child abuse against parent who has been abused, trying to use staff to call Abuse Registry. Makes disparaging remarks about mother, “you need to clean up better than mommy.”
Making Covert/ Overt Threats	Program staff report incidents of batterers showing a weapons permit when asked for identification, driving around visitation site at time of scheduled visits but not coming into program as well as verbally threatening to harm staff, volunteers, judge, partner, etc. during visits. Law enforcement officers referred to programs have come for scheduled visits in full uniform wearing their weapons despite instructions to the contrary.
Involving Children	During scheduled visitations, batterers may attempt to question children about their current living arrangements (particularly if they are staying at shelter or another undisclosed location); inquire about what their plans are, where they are attending school; or, may try and find out who the child’s mother is seeing. Additionally batterers may utilize visitation times as a vehicle to get children to convey messages back to other parent.
Stalking	Following a parent who is leaving a program, recording information about parents car. One program reports two examples of cases when the perpetrator had custody. In one case he left with the child prior to his wife (non-custodial) but waited for her in a nearby parking lot. In another, a non-custodial mother picked up her child for a monitored exchange and was followed to a neighboring city by her abuser. Perpetrators may reveal stalking incidents during conviction with their children during visit Questions such as Where were you all last night? or Why weren’t you in school yesterday?
Financial Abuse/ Manipulation	Refusing to pay for scheduled visits, not going to pay to see my kids. Paying in pennies or other small coins. Saying they will not bring food for visits because they’re paying child support to mother and she should make sure food is available for father’s visit.
Animal Abuse	Batterers may inform child during visit that a beloved pet has died or had to be given away since the child was not longer in the home. One program reported a father bringing the child’s pet rabbit to the program knowing the child would not be able to take it back to the shelter where he was staying.
Physical Violence	At least three murders of have occurred on-site or in parking lots of supervised visitation programs in recent years. Other programs report murders or physical assaults by non-custodial parents off site but while family was utilizing services.
Suicide	Visiting parent telling child and/or staff how depressed he is and how he might just end it all.

Why they stay

In further response to a comment received on how I am responsible for not leaving a violent situation, I would like to try to educate my readers on a subject that hopefully they do not understand – blaming the victim.

Why Victims May Stay

From The National Center for Victims of Crime

Very few individuals would become involved in a relationship they knew to be violent. Domestic violence has subtle origins. What starts out as love, courtship and concern, may turn into domination, forced adherence to rigid sex roles and obsessive jealousy. Victims are not masochists. They do not enjoy being hurt, abused, battered and controlled. Victims may stay with someone who is abusing them for various reasons which include:

 

•  
  • Fear of the abuser;
  • Love;
  • Threats to harm the victim, loved ones or pets;
  • Threats of suicide;
  • Believing the abuser will take their children;
  • Religious reasons;
  • Believing the abuser will change;
  • Self-blame;
  • Limited financial options;
  • Believing that violence is normal;
  • Believing in the sanctity of marriage and the family;
  • Limited housing options;
  • Blaming the abuse on alcohol, financial pressures, or other outside factors;
  • Low self-esteem;
  • Fear of the unknown, of change;
  • Isolation;
  • Embarrassment and shame;
  • Believing no one can help;
  • Cultural beliefs;
  • Denial; and
  • Pressure from friends and family to stay.

I will also be updating my links at the side for other websites.  Peace.

A letter to someone who wasn’t there

I’m going to edit this quite a bit to remove anything identifying, but I’ve had the wonderful fortune to be in contact with my daughter’s younger sister’s mother.  (Follow that one?)  It might explain itself in the letter, but I when I started the email, I had no idea it would be that long or that detailed.  It has a lot of things there that I barely talk about anymore, but things that might help another woman identify a dangerous situation.

pav

I’m sorry if this has caught you off guard too much. I’m at a point in my life where I can’t have skeletons, I won’t allow them. Sadly, your daughter was only a concept to me and Amy until yesterday. She’s absolutely beautiful by the way. I used to think Amy looked like her father until I saw a picture of (AMY’S SISTER).

I’m going to tell you what I know. What you probably heard incorrectly, or maybe you heard the truth but with a spin. I’ve always looked off and on. As I mentioned, my son has two brothers, only one of which he has met and that was only one time. His father was amazing with his brothers, but for some reason, my son got nothing. The last time he spoke to him would be nearly two years ago, and he’s only seen him a couple times. He left me when I was pregnant, so I’m betting you and I have more in common than just a beautiful little girl.

I do have questions, but I would like to volunteer information first. Again, I don’t know how much you know, but you may have figured some things out by reading some blog entries. I have a separate blog elsewhere that I’ll share soon.

I believe 100% that (MY EX) is a narcissistic drug addict. I believe he is incapable of telling the truth, no matter how insignificant. I believe he only wanted a wife and a child to impress his parents. Perhaps in his own twisted way he loved me, and loves Amy, but I don’t think he is capable of true human emotion.

I’m not sure how far to back up. We were married in 94, and when we returned home, that’s when I found out I was pregnant with Amy. At one point he tried to convince me that I should have an abortion, but I couldn’t even comprehend of that. You get married, you have kids, right? I left him the first time when I was pregnant, and he wouldn’t come home or stay clean. I returned later that pregnancy when he said the right things.

I left again when Amy was three months old. Same reasons. I loved him, but he was not the clean-cut air force boy I had met and fell in love with originally. That lasted six months, and he moved to Florida to be with me again. We went to Russia to see his parents, and he stayed there to work. He has told me that he did cheat on me there, and when he was supposed to return to his wife and daughter, he disappeared. His parents didn’t know where he was. Turns out he didn’t tell anyone he was taking a week in between to visit Amsterdam. I decided to not let him back, but again, I was weak.

When he returned, that’s when he started dealing and transporting. I didn’t know at first. He told me he was doing construction work in Mobile and such, to be gone overnight, and I really did believe him. But then I got pregnant again, even though I had my tubes tied at (MY EX)’s insistence after Amy was born. He was actually happy, but I couldn’t stay pregnant. After I lost our second child, he started making more runs and I started figuring things out. I actually knew what he was doing the time he was arrested. I wanted to tell him not to go, but I knew he wouldn’t listen to me, and I knew when he didn’t make it home when he said he would what had happened. My grandfather and I drove to Mississippi to bring him home, but he insisted on continuing the lifestyle. And it got worse. Not only was he still bringing people into my house that I never wanted around my child, he got more controlling, not allowing me to take our car, even chasing me down 98 one day that I did manage to take our car to work. One of the last straws was opening the kitchen drawer and seeing the gun. He swore later that it was my stepfather’s gun, that it wasn’t loaded, but the only thing that mattered was that it was accessible to Amy.

He had passed out one day, and I snuck the key out to copy it. Then one day in January, I brought Amy and a load of “laundry” to my mother’s house for the night. I didn’t sleep with him beside me, and waited as long as I could to make sure he wouldn’t wake up to take that key, get my one basket of clothes and my daughter from down the street and drive. He didn’t notice her missing the night before, and didn’t notice the two of us, or his car, missing until nearly twelve hours later. I drove north looking in my rearview mirror for two days, scared. I had confided in my boss at the time, and he gave me a couple extra hundred dollars and my w2.

I stayed a week at a friend’s house, but then went into a womens shelter for six weeks. I guess you were already there by then. Amy and I were doing ok, and I don’t know how, but somehow the grapevine got back to me that (MY EX)’s girlfriend was pregnant. After months on my own, I let him talk to Amy, and then to me, and the cycle started again. His car broke down in St Louis, and I went and picked him up from there. He was actually clean in Minneapolis. The longest time I ever knew him to be, but something changed, and we decided to move back to Texas in 2000.

I kicked him out of our house again August of that year – crank. He found a couple speed buddies, again, people I wouldn’t want anywhere near my daughter. He never could come out of himself long enough to see how his selfish actions would affect her. He was ok for a bit, and Amy lived part time at both homes, again, one that his parents put him up in. They would come in like the calvary over and over again to rescue him when the big bad world or his “crazy” wife would make his life difficult. I only found out later that even though is parents gave him a three bedroom home to live in, my six year old daughter slept in a “room” he made in his closet so that he could have roommates and make money.

I found myself pregnant again the beginning of 2002. I’ve told you some of that, but it was a bad situation. After Brody’s father essentially disappeared, I was still trading Amy back and forth, and (MY EX) turned into the romantic he could. He stared wooing my hormonal pregnant ass, and I fell for it. Part of it, I know in my heart, was him trying to balance the scales for (AMY’S SISTER). Figuring if he couldn’t be there, he would make up for it by being a father to someone else’s child like surely someone was doing for his.

He was back in college again by that time, but the partying was still full force. He wanted to be a husband and a father to impress his parents, but it wasn’t in him. He quit coming home, started taking diaper money out of my wallet, telling me he fell asleep in the car.

Full circle, in January 2004, he tried to kill me. I don’t know for sure, but I could guess he was speeding like usual. Denton Texas cops suck. Even though there is a ten minute 911 tape of me practically screaming, saying that my son was bleeding (he had tried to get into the middle and got knocked down – his lip had gotten split) all they did was escort him away. When I asked the next day why he wasn’t arrested, since I was in shock the day before myself, I was told they did what I requested, “make him go away.”

(MY EX) has supervised visitation only of Amy. He didn’t show up to court that day, assuming he would get a standard order. This was over three years ago. He’s two hours away, and I regularly drive the kids halfway to meet his parents so they can stay with them for the weekend. He hasn’t yet proven himself to be anything other than the monster I know.

I was told once that it takes an abused spouse seven attempts to finally leave or be killed. I guess five is good then, right? What finally ended it was not the violence against me again but seeing my son bleeding. Seeing him hold him away from me as I screamed for him to give me my baby, with a look on his face like, you want this? When I was pregnant with Amy, we had a cat that had a litter of kittens, too many. One by one they died – only one lived. But one of the kittens was destroyed by a tom cat that came around. I won’t get into any more details there, but that thought wouldn’t go away as I look back at that face that day, wondering if he would destroy my son because it wasn’t his and he knew that was how he could hurt me the most. And he still does get to me by hurting Amy.

Anyway, because custody was set where I was most comfortable, and despite the fact that they couldn’t get a wage history and her child support is set based of minimum wage, I waited until Amy turned 13 to actually file for divorce. I didn’t want to hand him an opportunity to get to her. The only time I’ve spoken to him in the past three years or so was witnessed by his father, where he said that if I didn’t do what he wanted, ask the judge myself to lift the supervision, he would make things as difficult as possible for me. He knows this is the last thing he has over me, the last way to control me. He’s been living with his girlfriend for at least two years now, and from what I’m told by my kids, she’s a sweetheart. I don’t doubt it, and I would venture to guess you were the same way too.

I know I’ve rambled, but you might want to know what he said about you and (AMY’S SISTER). As you were probably given half the truth, I know in most situations I was too. When he moved back to Minneapolis, he told me that he loved you and that you two talked about having a family. That he confided in you how his wife took his daughter and left, and that you knew that was a good way to hurt him, by doing the same. That you told people he was being abusive since they would believe it, you know, since that was what I had said, so it was a good weapon. That you returned to your ex-boyfriend and disappeared like I had done. That he couldn’t even be sure (AMY’S SISTER) was his since you had been with him before and after. For the record, she looks so much like some of his childhood pictures that it shook me to tears most of the day.

To have your daughter be real, to see her, made what happened to me real again. What makes me cry is that there are two wonderful girls that he can’t bring himself out of his wonderland long enough to consider. And what makes me even sadder is the girls have never met.

I know my opinion is just that, but I think you were the smarter one. The way he fucks with Amy by his promises of change, from what I’ve seen hurts her so much more than Brody’s dad’s complete absence. He at least never gets his hopes up.

Yeah, I’ve really rambled. I apologize, but I felt you might want to know. I’ll answer any questions if you still have some.

(DELETED LAST PARAGRAPH DUE TO PERSONAL INFORMATION)

Yeah, you’ve heard some of this before, but I want to be free, dammit

Ok friends, I’m giving this a shot.  Here’s the scoop:

I separated 4 1/2 years ago from the man that I married.  It was a violent ending.  Though he denies it, I have the strength today to say out loud that he tried to kill me, to say it without shame or embarassment, or self-blame for allowing myself to stay in the situation that long.  He did not show up for court three years back for the custody and support hearing of his daughter, and due to the history of domestic violence, he was given supervised visitation only.  He has had all this time to take me to back court to reverse this but has not.  He tells my daughter often about how good things will be when he no longer has to be supervised, blaming me consistently for the way things are, making me look like the bad guy to her.  And in over three years since that decree, he has not *once* called for a visitation.  I bring the kids to his parents for visits, certain holidays, extra birthday parties, and occasionally he drops by their house.  For the record, his ordered child support is based off estimated minimum wage earnings, despite having a business degree and working in the oil fields.  And I’m lucky when I see that, since it’s not a priority to him to pay regularly.

I filed for the actual divorce on May 1st of this year, after being separated for four years.  The plan was to wait until Amy was old enough to be aware of a dangerous situation before voluntarily returning to court, just in case a judge did decide to remove the visitation restriction on the grounds that there’s been no violence since the last court date (of course not, since there’s been no visitation).  My FIL handed him the waiver to be served on May 19.  He has refused to sign and return it.  The first time I spoke to him in years, I asked him point blank if he had returned it a month after receiving it, and that ended up being a half-hour fight in the parking lot of Texas Burger in Buffalo, Texas.  Fortunately, my FIL witnessed it all.  He told  me straight to my face that if I didn’t request for the judge to remove supervision, to help him, he would make this as difficult as he possibly could.

So here I am four and a half months later, trying to figure out what to do next.  His myspace lists him in Houston (or Alabama?), though from what I last knew, he is living in one of his parents’ rental homes in Ft Worth.  It would appear he is self-employed, working as a contractor, because the state of Texas hasn’t been able to garnish his wages in a couple years.  He has an erratic schedule that apparently he can choose himself, making it close to impossible to determine when he is home.  I had ask my ILs if they could please let me know when he is home, but understandably, they have chosen to stay out of the situation.  I respect that, and I’m still very grateful for all they have done for me and my children.

I want this to be over.  I want my freedom.  My ex knows that this is the last thing he has over me, something I want.  He knows it will be his last shot at controlling me this lifetime.  And he also knows if he did go to court, he would have to tell the truth and admit that it’s not my fault, that he chose the shape of his relationship with his daughter. 

What I’m not going to do is ask my daughter to get in the middle.  She asked him to call more this summer, and he did, for a couple weeks, but that’s dropped off also.  Two weeks after she started school he finally called to congratulate on making it through her first week of her Freshman year, despite the fact that she’s in 8th grade.  My daughter is so desperate for his attention that she quickly overlooked it and tried to press on the conversation to lighter, shallow things, but I was livid when I found out.

He doesn’t love me, and has been with his girlfiend for a couple years.  This is just out of childish spite.  If there is anyone who can convince him to be a grownup and let Amy and me go, I’m asking please.  I’m pretty sure this is futile, but with a wonderful man in my life now, the last thing I want is to be held hostage figuratively by this man. 

*Shrug* 

Oh, well.  If nothing, it felt good to write about where I am right now.

Update from yesterday

I want to thank those of you who were there for me yesterday so much for your support. This was a big blow. I remember calling her from the emergency room years ago, when I thought my ex might have broken my shoulder, telling her he hurt me. She came in like the calvary to help, so she said. However, the next day when I ran to get tylenol or something for my son, who was barely a year old at the time, when I got home, he was sitting on the couch with a diaper that had run through his sleeper. She said she didn’t notice. I remember thinking then…how…?

Anyway, I called and talked to my sister last night. She said that the email she had gotten from NM was titled something like, to make me feel better. The content simply stated, I take payments, again referring to the $259 that she supposedly owes her. I suggested she start sending the woman a penny a month, as a joke. At least it got a good laugh.

This morning I logged back into myspace and reported her for the pictures of me and my children posted without my permission. They are posted where anyone can view them. Not even the pictures on my profile, especially of the kids, are open for public view. I’m not trying to get revenge, I’m just trying to make it clear that I want nothing to do with her at all, and despite her sense of entitlement, she doesn’t have and right to show off my children as part of her.

Also, I would like to mention my recent viewers that ended up here by looking for the Next Food Network Star, and ending up viewing the adorable picture of my son taken close to two years ago.  I hope you drop back by occasionally, since I am a fan of the show, and finally watched the finale last night, a day late.  I’m happy with the results, though I really thing the other guy would have made a more interesting show in the end.