Yeah, you’ve heard some of this before, but I want to be free, dammit

Ok friends, I’m giving this a shot.  Here’s the scoop:

I separated 4 1/2 years ago from the man that I married.  It was a violent ending.  Though he denies it, I have the strength today to say out loud that he tried to kill me, to say it without shame or embarassment, or self-blame for allowing myself to stay in the situation that long.  He did not show up for court three years back for the custody and support hearing of his daughter, and due to the history of domestic violence, he was given supervised visitation only.  He has had all this time to take me to back court to reverse this but has not.  He tells my daughter often about how good things will be when he no longer has to be supervised, blaming me consistently for the way things are, making me look like the bad guy to her.  And in over three years since that decree, he has not *once* called for a visitation.  I bring the kids to his parents for visits, certain holidays, extra birthday parties, and occasionally he drops by their house.  For the record, his ordered child support is based off estimated minimum wage earnings, despite having a business degree and working in the oil fields.  And I’m lucky when I see that, since it’s not a priority to him to pay regularly.

I filed for the actual divorce on May 1st of this year, after being separated for four years.  The plan was to wait until Amy was old enough to be aware of a dangerous situation before voluntarily returning to court, just in case a judge did decide to remove the visitation restriction on the grounds that there’s been no violence since the last court date (of course not, since there’s been no visitation).  My FIL handed him the waiver to be served on May 19.  He has refused to sign and return it.  The first time I spoke to him in years, I asked him point blank if he had returned it a month after receiving it, and that ended up being a half-hour fight in the parking lot of Texas Burger in Buffalo, Texas.  Fortunately, my FIL witnessed it all.  He told  me straight to my face that if I didn’t request for the judge to remove supervision, to help him, he would make this as difficult as he possibly could.

So here I am four and a half months later, trying to figure out what to do next.  His myspace lists him in Houston (or Alabama?), though from what I last knew, he is living in one of his parents’ rental homes in Ft Worth.  It would appear he is self-employed, working as a contractor, because the state of Texas hasn’t been able to garnish his wages in a couple years.  He has an erratic schedule that apparently he can choose himself, making it close to impossible to determine when he is home.  I had ask my ILs if they could please let me know when he is home, but understandably, they have chosen to stay out of the situation.  I respect that, and I’m still very grateful for all they have done for me and my children.

I want this to be over.  I want my freedom.  My ex knows that this is the last thing he has over me, something I want.  He knows it will be his last shot at controlling me this lifetime.  And he also knows if he did go to court, he would have to tell the truth and admit that it’s not my fault, that he chose the shape of his relationship with his daughter. 

What I’m not going to do is ask my daughter to get in the middle.  She asked him to call more this summer, and he did, for a couple weeks, but that’s dropped off also.  Two weeks after she started school he finally called to congratulate on making it through her first week of her Freshman year, despite the fact that she’s in 8th grade.  My daughter is so desperate for his attention that she quickly overlooked it and tried to press on the conversation to lighter, shallow things, but I was livid when I found out.

He doesn’t love me, and has been with his girlfiend for a couple years.  This is just out of childish spite.  If there is anyone who can convince him to be a grownup and let Amy and me go, I’m asking please.  I’m pretty sure this is futile, but with a wonderful man in my life now, the last thing I want is to be held hostage figuratively by this man. 

*Shrug* 

Oh, well.  If nothing, it felt good to write about where I am right now.

Single Mother = Tightrope Walker

When we moved again in February we lost space.  I made a long, thought-out decision to go back to a two-bedroom apartment in a good community from a large three-bedroom in a disgusting area.  Wanting a good school district, and not having to worry about crime and infestations, I did a great deal of research.  However, this also means that my children are sharing a room again.  It’s not the ideal situation, since my daughter is 13 and my son is 5, but as small as the space may seem, it’s working for now.

For one thing, being considerably older than her brother, my daughter has a much later bedtime.  She gets private time either in the living room alone, or in my room alone if she needs it then.  I have asked my son to leave her alone in her room before his bedtime if that’s what she needs also.  Their bathroom is also attached to the bedroom, so she changes clothes in there.  This isn’t an issue for the boy since he’s quite content to streak in front of whoever might be around.

We donated a carful to Goodwill as we were packing to move, but what is interesting is that we have nearly a carful again now that we’ve completely unpacked from the move.  With less space, I was forced to actually open some of those boxes that have been sealed for a few moves to determine if they really were still worth saving.  And thanks to another growth spurt and a change in season, we’ve weeded at least two more trashbags full of clothing to donate. 

In theory, I could afford the three-bedroom where I live.  But this is theory only.  You see, I have child support orders on both of my children.  In the past years, I have learned these orders are to be regarded as simply a neat stack of stapled papers only.  I’m not saying I don’t get support.  What I will say though is that I have come not to count on it.  My daughter’s father only recently started paying on a monthly basis, yet I don’t trust the trend to continue.  My son’s father has paid almost religiously, perhaps as penance for not being involved in his child’s life at all.  However, the amount has recently dropped.  When I spoke with the Attorney General’s office this morning to ask why, they didn’t have the information, though they said they would call.  *Shrug*  I am no longer angry at either of them for this, and I try not to complain about it.  I have reluctantly accepted that I am the responsible party here, and no amount of nagging, yelling, suing, whatever, will change that.  Que Sera.

For the past few years I have kept a personal budget spreadsheet and two separate bank accounts.  One is strictly for child support.  I dig into that account to pay the children’s medical insurance payment, since I had that in their orders also – if I couldn’t trust them to make regular payments, how could I trust them to keep my children insured?  I also use it for medicine, clothes, haircuts, sometimes groceries, you get the idea.  But I am at all times prepared to take these expenses out of the second account, the one where my paycheck gets deposited.  Matter of fact, these items are actually budgeted to come out of that account, and only when I see money in the child support account do I move those items over. 

This month was tight.  We’re barely into the second week of May and we’ve already had nearly $200 in medical expenses.  So you can probably hear my sigh of relief when I checked my account this morning to find that that wonderful tax rebate had been deposited a day early.  Though I still have money in both accounts, it’s a wonderful feeling to have a financial “net” in place for the times when the tightrope walker gets nervous.