Why they stay

In further response to a comment received on how I am responsible for not leaving a violent situation, I would like to try to educate my readers on a subject that hopefully they do not understand – blaming the victim.

Why Victims May Stay

From The National Center for Victims of Crime

Very few individuals would become involved in a relationship they knew to be violent. Domestic violence has subtle origins. What starts out as love, courtship and concern, may turn into domination, forced adherence to rigid sex roles and obsessive jealousy. Victims are not masochists. They do not enjoy being hurt, abused, battered and controlled. Victims may stay with someone who is abusing them for various reasons which include:

 

•  
  • Fear of the abuser;
  • Love;
  • Threats to harm the victim, loved ones or pets;
  • Threats of suicide;
  • Believing the abuser will take their children;
  • Religious reasons;
  • Believing the abuser will change;
  • Self-blame;
  • Limited financial options;
  • Believing that violence is normal;
  • Believing in the sanctity of marriage and the family;
  • Limited housing options;
  • Blaming the abuse on alcohol, financial pressures, or other outside factors;
  • Low self-esteem;
  • Fear of the unknown, of change;
  • Isolation;
  • Embarrassment and shame;
  • Believing no one can help;
  • Cultural beliefs;
  • Denial; and
  • Pressure from friends and family to stay.

I will also be updating my links at the side for other websites.  Peace.

A letter to someone who wasn’t there

I’m going to edit this quite a bit to remove anything identifying, but I’ve had the wonderful fortune to be in contact with my daughter’s younger sister’s mother.  (Follow that one?)  It might explain itself in the letter, but I when I started the email, I had no idea it would be that long or that detailed.  It has a lot of things there that I barely talk about anymore, but things that might help another woman identify a dangerous situation.

pav

I’m sorry if this has caught you off guard too much. I’m at a point in my life where I can’t have skeletons, I won’t allow them. Sadly, your daughter was only a concept to me and Amy until yesterday. She’s absolutely beautiful by the way. I used to think Amy looked like her father until I saw a picture of (AMY’S SISTER).

I’m going to tell you what I know. What you probably heard incorrectly, or maybe you heard the truth but with a spin. I’ve always looked off and on. As I mentioned, my son has two brothers, only one of which he has met and that was only one time. His father was amazing with his brothers, but for some reason, my son got nothing. The last time he spoke to him would be nearly two years ago, and he’s only seen him a couple times. He left me when I was pregnant, so I’m betting you and I have more in common than just a beautiful little girl.

I do have questions, but I would like to volunteer information first. Again, I don’t know how much you know, but you may have figured some things out by reading some blog entries. I have a separate blog elsewhere that I’ll share soon.

I believe 100% that (MY EX) is a narcissistic drug addict. I believe he is incapable of telling the truth, no matter how insignificant. I believe he only wanted a wife and a child to impress his parents. Perhaps in his own twisted way he loved me, and loves Amy, but I don’t think he is capable of true human emotion.

I’m not sure how far to back up. We were married in 94, and when we returned home, that’s when I found out I was pregnant with Amy. At one point he tried to convince me that I should have an abortion, but I couldn’t even comprehend of that. You get married, you have kids, right? I left him the first time when I was pregnant, and he wouldn’t come home or stay clean. I returned later that pregnancy when he said the right things.

I left again when Amy was three months old. Same reasons. I loved him, but he was not the clean-cut air force boy I had met and fell in love with originally. That lasted six months, and he moved to Florida to be with me again. We went to Russia to see his parents, and he stayed there to work. He has told me that he did cheat on me there, and when he was supposed to return to his wife and daughter, he disappeared. His parents didn’t know where he was. Turns out he didn’t tell anyone he was taking a week in between to visit Amsterdam. I decided to not let him back, but again, I was weak.

When he returned, that’s when he started dealing and transporting. I didn’t know at first. He told me he was doing construction work in Mobile and such, to be gone overnight, and I really did believe him. But then I got pregnant again, even though I had my tubes tied at (MY EX)’s insistence after Amy was born. He was actually happy, but I couldn’t stay pregnant. After I lost our second child, he started making more runs and I started figuring things out. I actually knew what he was doing the time he was arrested. I wanted to tell him not to go, but I knew he wouldn’t listen to me, and I knew when he didn’t make it home when he said he would what had happened. My grandfather and I drove to Mississippi to bring him home, but he insisted on continuing the lifestyle. And it got worse. Not only was he still bringing people into my house that I never wanted around my child, he got more controlling, not allowing me to take our car, even chasing me down 98 one day that I did manage to take our car to work. One of the last straws was opening the kitchen drawer and seeing the gun. He swore later that it was my stepfather’s gun, that it wasn’t loaded, but the only thing that mattered was that it was accessible to Amy.

He had passed out one day, and I snuck the key out to copy it. Then one day in January, I brought Amy and a load of “laundry” to my mother’s house for the night. I didn’t sleep with him beside me, and waited as long as I could to make sure he wouldn’t wake up to take that key, get my one basket of clothes and my daughter from down the street and drive. He didn’t notice her missing the night before, and didn’t notice the two of us, or his car, missing until nearly twelve hours later. I drove north looking in my rearview mirror for two days, scared. I had confided in my boss at the time, and he gave me a couple extra hundred dollars and my w2.

I stayed a week at a friend’s house, but then went into a womens shelter for six weeks. I guess you were already there by then. Amy and I were doing ok, and I don’t know how, but somehow the grapevine got back to me that (MY EX)’s girlfriend was pregnant. After months on my own, I let him talk to Amy, and then to me, and the cycle started again. His car broke down in St Louis, and I went and picked him up from there. He was actually clean in Minneapolis. The longest time I ever knew him to be, but something changed, and we decided to move back to Texas in 2000.

I kicked him out of our house again August of that year – crank. He found a couple speed buddies, again, people I wouldn’t want anywhere near my daughter. He never could come out of himself long enough to see how his selfish actions would affect her. He was ok for a bit, and Amy lived part time at both homes, again, one that his parents put him up in. They would come in like the calvary over and over again to rescue him when the big bad world or his “crazy” wife would make his life difficult. I only found out later that even though is parents gave him a three bedroom home to live in, my six year old daughter slept in a “room” he made in his closet so that he could have roommates and make money.

I found myself pregnant again the beginning of 2002. I’ve told you some of that, but it was a bad situation. After Brody’s father essentially disappeared, I was still trading Amy back and forth, and (MY EX) turned into the romantic he could. He stared wooing my hormonal pregnant ass, and I fell for it. Part of it, I know in my heart, was him trying to balance the scales for (AMY’S SISTER). Figuring if he couldn’t be there, he would make up for it by being a father to someone else’s child like surely someone was doing for his.

He was back in college again by that time, but the partying was still full force. He wanted to be a husband and a father to impress his parents, but it wasn’t in him. He quit coming home, started taking diaper money out of my wallet, telling me he fell asleep in the car.

Full circle, in January 2004, he tried to kill me. I don’t know for sure, but I could guess he was speeding like usual. Denton Texas cops suck. Even though there is a ten minute 911 tape of me practically screaming, saying that my son was bleeding (he had tried to get into the middle and got knocked down – his lip had gotten split) all they did was escort him away. When I asked the next day why he wasn’t arrested, since I was in shock the day before myself, I was told they did what I requested, “make him go away.”

(MY EX) has supervised visitation only of Amy. He didn’t show up to court that day, assuming he would get a standard order. This was over three years ago. He’s two hours away, and I regularly drive the kids halfway to meet his parents so they can stay with them for the weekend. He hasn’t yet proven himself to be anything other than the monster I know.

I was told once that it takes an abused spouse seven attempts to finally leave or be killed. I guess five is good then, right? What finally ended it was not the violence against me again but seeing my son bleeding. Seeing him hold him away from me as I screamed for him to give me my baby, with a look on his face like, you want this? When I was pregnant with Amy, we had a cat that had a litter of kittens, too many. One by one they died – only one lived. But one of the kittens was destroyed by a tom cat that came around. I won’t get into any more details there, but that thought wouldn’t go away as I look back at that face that day, wondering if he would destroy my son because it wasn’t his and he knew that was how he could hurt me the most. And he still does get to me by hurting Amy.

Anyway, because custody was set where I was most comfortable, and despite the fact that they couldn’t get a wage history and her child support is set based of minimum wage, I waited until Amy turned 13 to actually file for divorce. I didn’t want to hand him an opportunity to get to her. The only time I’ve spoken to him in the past three years or so was witnessed by his father, where he said that if I didn’t do what he wanted, ask the judge myself to lift the supervision, he would make things as difficult as possible for me. He knows this is the last thing he has over me, the last way to control me. He’s been living with his girlfriend for at least two years now, and from what I’m told by my kids, she’s a sweetheart. I don’t doubt it, and I would venture to guess you were the same way too.

I know I’ve rambled, but you might want to know what he said about you and (AMY’S SISTER). As you were probably given half the truth, I know in most situations I was too. When he moved back to Minneapolis, he told me that he loved you and that you two talked about having a family. That he confided in you how his wife took his daughter and left, and that you knew that was a good way to hurt him, by doing the same. That you told people he was being abusive since they would believe it, you know, since that was what I had said, so it was a good weapon. That you returned to your ex-boyfriend and disappeared like I had done. That he couldn’t even be sure (AMY’S SISTER) was his since you had been with him before and after. For the record, she looks so much like some of his childhood pictures that it shook me to tears most of the day.

To have your daughter be real, to see her, made what happened to me real again. What makes me cry is that there are two wonderful girls that he can’t bring himself out of his wonderland long enough to consider. And what makes me even sadder is the girls have never met.

I know my opinion is just that, but I think you were the smarter one. The way he fucks with Amy by his promises of change, from what I’ve seen hurts her so much more than Brody’s dad’s complete absence. He at least never gets his hopes up.

Yeah, I’ve really rambled. I apologize, but I felt you might want to know. I’ll answer any questions if you still have some.

(DELETED LAST PARAGRAPH DUE TO PERSONAL INFORMATION)

Yeah, you’ve heard some of this before, but I want to be free, dammit

Ok friends, I’m giving this a shot.  Here’s the scoop:

I separated 4 1/2 years ago from the man that I married.  It was a violent ending.  Though he denies it, I have the strength today to say out loud that he tried to kill me, to say it without shame or embarassment, or self-blame for allowing myself to stay in the situation that long.  He did not show up for court three years back for the custody and support hearing of his daughter, and due to the history of domestic violence, he was given supervised visitation only.  He has had all this time to take me to back court to reverse this but has not.  He tells my daughter often about how good things will be when he no longer has to be supervised, blaming me consistently for the way things are, making me look like the bad guy to her.  And in over three years since that decree, he has not *once* called for a visitation.  I bring the kids to his parents for visits, certain holidays, extra birthday parties, and occasionally he drops by their house.  For the record, his ordered child support is based off estimated minimum wage earnings, despite having a business degree and working in the oil fields.  And I’m lucky when I see that, since it’s not a priority to him to pay regularly.

I filed for the actual divorce on May 1st of this year, after being separated for four years.  The plan was to wait until Amy was old enough to be aware of a dangerous situation before voluntarily returning to court, just in case a judge did decide to remove the visitation restriction on the grounds that there’s been no violence since the last court date (of course not, since there’s been no visitation).  My FIL handed him the waiver to be served on May 19.  He has refused to sign and return it.  The first time I spoke to him in years, I asked him point blank if he had returned it a month after receiving it, and that ended up being a half-hour fight in the parking lot of Texas Burger in Buffalo, Texas.  Fortunately, my FIL witnessed it all.  He told  me straight to my face that if I didn’t request for the judge to remove supervision, to help him, he would make this as difficult as he possibly could.

So here I am four and a half months later, trying to figure out what to do next.  His myspace lists him in Houston (or Alabama?), though from what I last knew, he is living in one of his parents’ rental homes in Ft Worth.  It would appear he is self-employed, working as a contractor, because the state of Texas hasn’t been able to garnish his wages in a couple years.  He has an erratic schedule that apparently he can choose himself, making it close to impossible to determine when he is home.  I had ask my ILs if they could please let me know when he is home, but understandably, they have chosen to stay out of the situation.  I respect that, and I’m still very grateful for all they have done for me and my children.

I want this to be over.  I want my freedom.  My ex knows that this is the last thing he has over me, something I want.  He knows it will be his last shot at controlling me this lifetime.  And he also knows if he did go to court, he would have to tell the truth and admit that it’s not my fault, that he chose the shape of his relationship with his daughter. 

What I’m not going to do is ask my daughter to get in the middle.  She asked him to call more this summer, and he did, for a couple weeks, but that’s dropped off also.  Two weeks after she started school he finally called to congratulate on making it through her first week of her Freshman year, despite the fact that she’s in 8th grade.  My daughter is so desperate for his attention that she quickly overlooked it and tried to press on the conversation to lighter, shallow things, but I was livid when I found out.

He doesn’t love me, and has been with his girlfiend for a couple years.  This is just out of childish spite.  If there is anyone who can convince him to be a grownup and let Amy and me go, I’m asking please.  I’m pretty sure this is futile, but with a wonderful man in my life now, the last thing I want is to be held hostage figuratively by this man. 

*Shrug* 

Oh, well.  If nothing, it felt good to write about where I am right now.

Something unexpected happened

I have fallen love.

I never thought it would happen again.  I thought I had my chance in the past and screwed it up, or that I was destined to live alone in exchange for something I had done earlier, or even in a past life.  I was ok with that for the most part – horny occasionally – but still ok with being the strange cat lady years after both kids went off on their own. 

But someone found me on myspace, someone that crossed my mind here and there.  The last time I saw him was the day before my 18th birthday, half a lifetime ago.  The last time I kissed him was 20 years ago.  And there he was.  He was getting out of a relationship and saw me on a mutual friend’s list.  We emailed back and forth for a bit, and little by little, the conversations got more serious, more intimate.  Then he called me.

He lives still in Florida, where I went to high school, went through puberty, met my ex-husband, and did a lot of things I’m not necessarily proud of.  I’ve only visited the area once in the past ten years, and that was just for a moment when I picked up my baby sister and her family, and then stopped at my Grammie’s for lunch.  My sister moved back on Christmas Day, if you remember, and I’ve been toying with the idea of taking a beach vacation.

It seems like I have much more incentive now.  I can’t get him out of my mind.  Since I am that kind of geek, I checked my cell phone, in the past week we’ve spent almost 24 hours on the phone to each other.  No, I’m not kidding.  I don’t even think we were on the phone that much when we dated twenty years ago.

He reminded me of how we met.  I had forgotten. I had pushed a lot of those memories out of the way because my ex-husband was always disturbed by the thought that there were others before him.  So I tried to erase that part.  But the truth is, he was my first love.  Which makes this even stranger.  This kind of thing doesn’t happen in real life, does it?  This is something for Oprah or Montel, or Disney, right? 

Imagine how much twenty years can change a person.  I may still be as goofy and fun as I was then, but I’m not nearly as impulsive or selfish.  I have two children that are my top priorty, and he has three.  Yes, I had to laugh at the fact that he’s raising three daughters, considering my father once threatened to kill him.  And I wonder what my father would think of him now.  Deep down, I think he would be happy for me finding something so wonderful again.

I fight a lot with that nagging little brat deep inside of me, the one that tells me that I don’t deserve to be happy, that I’m supposed to suffer.  Or maybe it’s not my own voice I hear, but my mother’s.  Well, screw her and her voice.  I deserve this.  I’m happy like I don’t know I’ve ever been in my entire life, and I think it’s because I’m ok with me deep inside, ok enough to share that with someone else.  And I found a wonderful man, intelligent, creative, funny, and very freaking sexy, that can appreciate who I am for real.  I had my hesistations because of who he was in the past, and some of the things he’s done, but he’s not holding my past against me so it wouldn’t be fair if I did.  I see who he is right now, and I’m in love with him.

Quit screwing with my kid

So many divorce books and classes tell us not to say anything too negative about our exes in front of the children.  However, when my now teenager and I went through counseling after the breakup of my abusive marriage, my counselor encouraged me to discuss some of the reasons with my daughter.  She needs to know what is and what is not acceptable in a relationship, I was advised.  I try to be as neutral as I can discussing some of these things, without slamming him against the wall verbally, but sometimes, when he continues to do selfish ridiculous things that affect her, my emotions come through.

After two weeks of school, my ex finally called his daughter to ask how it was going.  She contemplated calling him last week, but didn’t, I guess as a test, to see him how long it would take.  Saturday he called her cell phone while she was at a friend’s to congratulate her on her first week of her Freshman year.  See, the first problem?  Maybe you even notice the second – that she’s in 8th grade, not 9th now.  She swallowed the issue and continued to text him back and forth the rest of the evening. 

I was livid when she told me.  I wanted to listen and be supportive but my own anger took over.  I yelled at her for not being angrier, and stated point blank that she thought if she showed her anger he pout like a child and wait another few months to call her again.  She told me that I was the one to tell her not to expect too much from him, and that’s what she was trying to do.  She told me that she was sorry she even told her, and I had to stop there.  I was afraid I would lose some a section of communication if I didn’t stop for a moment.

But I told her what I thought was the most important thing – I’m her mother.  When someone hurts my child like that, I’m going to get angry.  My job is to protect her as much as I can, at the same time attempting to provide the foundation for her to become an awesome adult.  I told her that it felt like her father was setting shaky steps in front of her and urging her to cross those to get to him. 

I’m not a perfect parent by any means.  But it’s been a long time since I let my feelings about her father’s behavior come out when I should have just been listening to her. 

I wish he wouldn’t have called at all.